One of my top values in life is ‘authenticity’ and it’s no surprise that the thing I mostly react to is hypocrisy.

Few things disturb me more than when people are artificial, so you can imagine how much of a challenge it is for me, at times, to live in big modern capitalistic cities, although there’s so much I love about them too. Not surprisingly, I’ve created Zen @ Wall Street to share thoughts and tools on how to achieve that balance and live authentically in this modern world.

What hurts the most?

Around five years ago, when I was living in New York, I was sitting in a circle with other students at my local Qi Gong studio on a Sunday afternoon, when the teacher asked:

What’s better: unkind words with negative energy or kind words with negative energy?

I was the first to reply: “I prefer unkind words with negative energy, because it disturbs me so much when people are fake. I would prefer to hear unkind words but I guess that’s just me…”.

I’ve never forgotten her answer, because she took a deep breath, looked at me in the eyes and said:

“It’s not just you. Kind words with negative energy hurt everybody more. It’s normal that you prefer unkind words: because at least there’s integrity to that”.

What a big eye-opener that was.

What’s behind your mask?

Too many people are stuck in a people-pleasing trap, where form is all that matters and substance is neglected. Social media have taken this to the extreme consequences: we only care about what we display out there, regardless of what we truly feel inside.

Often when others do not agree with something or don’t like it, I see that they are not upfront about it, even when it’s as simple as accepting or declining an invite. If they disagree with something or it puts them off, they avoid verbalizing it, or go as far as saying: “sure, that’s great”, but secretly judge you negatively.

For sure I’m not a very ‘formal’ person, but I’d rarely trust overly formal people, in general. They usually conceal the opposite. Think about those at your workplace who gossip the most. Aren’t they the same who – upon meeting you – put up a big fake smile and speak the kindest words?

And in this ‘politically correct’ world, those who quickly call you out for ‘judging’, ‘categorizing’ or ‘assuming’, are usually the ones who deep in their hearts hold the most judgment and the least compassion for others. Their political correctness is often what in psychology is known as reaction formation.

Suppressing vs. Expressing

There’s a quote that says: if you can choose to be right or be kind, be kind.

But that advice can be completely misguided. You see, this works only if a real feeling of compassion and forgiveness flows from your heart and you naturally decide to drop your need to be right, by putting the other person first.

But cultivation of kindness must come first and flow naturally through your behavior: it cannot be faked or self-imposed. Otherwise you’re only suppressing your feelings.

If you feel anger or disappointment it is much healthier to find a socially acceptable way to express your feelings to the other person and ideally build a frank and constructive dialogue on such premises.

Unfortunately these days of social media, every day you’re likely to be dealing with hordes of pathological people pleasers: they will be extremely reactive when you’re openly displaying your emotions, making this – collectively – a chicken and egg type of problem. The more you’re around fake people, the harder it is to break the pattern and be fully open. But someone must start.

In fact, if you hold negative energy in the heart and only use kind words as a disguise, you’re actually hurting others more, even when they don’t perceive it consciously.

Develop a healthy assertiveness

Stop with the obsession of looking nice in the eyes of others and start speaking up your mind, instead. For many it can be a challenge due to lack of assertiveness, but it’s hurting both yourself and the people around you.

This dichotomy between what you feel inside and what you display outside leads to repressing feelings, breaks down your integrity and ultimately spreads negative energy.

Positive energy is only built on integrity. And assertiveness is the tool that allows you to maintain your integrity. Hence, if assertiveness is a weak muscle for you, it’s worth practicing in every situation from now on. Dare to express yourself.

Sometimes love is a slap in the face

All we discussed so far leads to another very important point: there are different forms of love. In particular, there are forms of masculine love that may come across as very harsh.

The type of love that your father puts into scolding you when that’s essential to your growth, for example.

There have been multiple situations in your life where kind words wouldn’t have been aligned with the greatest love for you.

I’ll be open here: I often express loving kindness through brutal honesty. Most people don’t like it at first, but some tend to appreciate it in the long run, because when all is said and done, everyone remember truthfulness. Lies are short legged, truth wins in the long run.

Has it ever happened to you to be in a situation where all your friends just used kind words to please your ego, while only keeping you stuck? Because deep down it made them comfortable and safe if you stayed the same and didn’t evolve.

Perhaps there was that one person who spitted some harsh truths and you disliked him, only to realize, six months down the line, that he was the only one doing you a favor among a bunch of hypocrites?

I remember an acquaintance, years ago, who was leading a very unconscious and ultimately self-defeating lifestyle. All of this was encouraged by her group of friends who happened to have their own agenda, as it’s often the case.

I must admit the tone of my messages was colorful to say the least and often offensive, but I held no resentment in my heart, I was just giving her a big wake up call. It wasn’t uncommon for me to tell her that she was surrounded by complete idiots and she was being one. I added she wasn’t worth my time and not to text me until she’d wise up from that kindergarten phase and things like that. I must admit my tone was merciless, but the feeling in my heart was compassion. If you only looked at the choice of words, you’d find it hard to tell probably. At first her ego reacted and she’d fight back my words.

Six months later I got a message from her, along these lines:

“Hey Riccardo, I know it’s been a long time and probably you don’t even want to hear from me. But I just wanted to thank you and tell you that even though you’re just an acquaintance, you’ve been the only real person there for me through all that time. I don’t see any of those people anymore. You were right. It’s so odd because I spent days and nights with them and exchanged texts with you who aren’t even physically here. And yet I feel closer to you than any of them, now that all is said and done. I understand it if you won’t ever reply, but I just owed you this”.

This happened only because my words, as harsh as they sounded, always came from good energy.

It’s not WHAT you say, it’s the energy behind it

Stop paying attention to what you say and what people think of you. Stop playing all these chess games trying to manage perception. To hell with perception.

Focus on your inside. It’s the energy behind what you say that people feel, at some level. So what’s the intention? Break down your barriers, drop your mask, let your heart speak even when your self image won’t be inflated as a consequence of that.

If you have no integrity, you’ll trick someone here and there for a while, but you’re never going to build anything solid. You’ll never have true influence, nor change anyone’s life for the better. Your relationships and life, will ultimately always feel hollow.

Forget about being right, being kind, or being whatever and just start being yourself a little more. Because you are the greatest gift you can give to this world. And big or small, you’re the only gift you can ever give.

Also published on Medium.